Some Quality Time

There's nothing quite so good for a man's ego as the admiration of his daughter.

This year, the Solstice falls on a day that Kara would normally spend with her mother. However, because it's Father's Day, I got a little extra time with her. Spending the first day of Summer with her was comforting on many levels this year.

The day started with the traditional breakfast in bed, though it was "supposed" to be a surprise. I quite naturally had "no idea" that she had anything planned. She's never done this before. Nope. Never.

And, no, there was nothing suspicious in her a) telling me that I needed to sleep in until at least 9:00 am and and b) later asking if would it be okay if she cooked some breakfast in case she "woke up early." Nope, nothing to see here. All perfectly natural. Right?

Riiight. ;-)

It was sweet, really. And nice to be pampered for a moment.

I'm not sure how she finagled it (because she'd done it while at her other home), but she managed to get a few small things for me (shown in the photo). The front of the card says:

Dad, I will never forget many of the things you've told me.

To which, the inside adds:

Or understand them or do them really. But I'll remember them. Happy Father's Day

To which, she'd written underneath:

I love you and I sometimes will actually do them. But not so often that you get used to it.

-- Kara

P.S. You are a rockin' dad!"

She has a sweet tooth the size of Texas, so it's no surprise that she gave me things that she enjoys, clearly hoping I'll enjoy them, too. She knows that Almond Joy is one of my favorite candy bars (Because' y'know, sometimes you do feel like a nut) and M&M cookies are one of her favorites (I had gotten her one as a special treat).

She'd put a piece of her cookie in a plastic bag and used a Sharpie to scribble a sweet message:

My love is a cookie and I'm giving a lot to you.

Sure, it's a little corny, but I'm a little corny and, besides, it really was lovely.

We spent low-key day together. We played video games, watched a movie, played catch, and generally hung out. It was, in large part, a day like many others that we've spent together. And that, too, was very sweet for me.

And, later in the day, I managed to get her to slow down long enough to take the perfect picture for the magnetic photo frame shown in the photo. There's a blank spot on the refrigerator that's perfect for it.

It was probably the best Father's Day I could reasonably ask for this year. A sweet, simple memory of the best kind of Family time.

--f

Photo credit: Me

Reflections on Perspective

To succeed in life is to be able to transform.
-- Blake Snyder, Save the Cat

Tomorrow is a solstice, the first day of a new season. Locally, it marks the first day of Summer and the longest day of the year. In your part of the world, it may be the first day of winter and the longest night. Regardless, it marks a new beginning.

Tomorrow also happens to be Father's Day and I have two sets of ideas going through my head at the prospect. I'm not sure how to weave them into a single (semi?) coherent post. Instead, I thought I'd work through the more difficult set of thoughts today so that I can spend tomorrow focusing on however much of my family I get to see.

Had my first marriage survived, tomorrow would also have marked my 12th anniversary. Two years ago, I wrote about the view from that moment. It was a happy moment, one filled with filled with love, hope, and dreams.

Ironically, I spoke of knowing then what I hadn't known a decade earlier. My, my. What a difference two years can make.

Two years ago, we bought this house and looked forward to making it a loving, secure home for our family. Today, I am (still) trying to figure out how to work the finances so that I can keep this house...so that it can (eventually) become the family home I'd originally envisioned, a place of security, comfort, creativity, laughter, joy, and (most of all) filled with deep, abiding love. Love freely...and fully...given.

The pronoun may have changed and certain aspects of those hopes may no longer apply or be possible, but the underlying dreams remain the same.

The following poem is dedicated to the perspective I have today and the one I hope to have in the future:

We do not know where our path will lead
Until we look back to see where we have been.

We do not know what we will see
Until we remember what we have seen.

We do not know how we will survive
Until we have healed from the wounds.

Move forward with faith, trust, and hope.
We only fail when we stop believing.

(It's similar to the earlier one, but embodies a different perspective.)

I believe in a better future.

I trust the Universe will help me figure out how to solve the financial problems. I trust the Universe to help me find the loving, trusting, and honorable person I deserve in my life. I trust the Universe to lead me to the woman who will become my best friend, my biggest fan, my greatest inspiration, my best lover, my true partner, and the love of my life.

And I hope that the perspective in two more years is one filled with happiness, security, love, and the family life I've been trying to create for most of my adult life...the family life I truly deserve.

--f

Photo credit: Daniela Goulart

We Have Started Moving!

We started moving this past weekend. Saturday, we cleared out the storage unit, which generally consisted of a lot of my junk stuff, along with some furniture. With a little help from our friends, we got everything moved into the digs. (Most of it went into the garage for later unpacking and, I'm sure, reducing.)

Yesterday (Sunday) morning, we got up and (with JP's help) over to the new house to finish some chores before the major move day. She painted primer on one of DD's walls while I took care of a number of little chores, like installing the washer and dryer. (Memo to self: pick up plumbing tape for the hose connections before we do laundry.) We also reorganized the garage, making room for the boxes currently waiting patiently in the old garage.

We discovered that one couch meant for the media room will not, in any way, shape, or form, be able to be moved into the media room. It's too long for the stairs and the 30" doorway is too narrow. I also had to do some repairs on a media armoire that I've owned for years. It's a lovely piece, but I think I'm finally ready to let it go. We're planning to put both pieces on craigslist and, with luck, we'll get enough to justify a nifty, new widescreen TV for the media room.

Our new neighborhood seems nice. We've met some of the neighbors and the girls have already made friends with one of the neighborhood children. I'm happy to see that, for Kara hasn't had much of a chance to make friends when she's with us. She's made a couple this summer and I'm happy to see that.

Tonight, I stopped by the house and finished painting DD's wall. Kara was hoping to play with her new friend, but was disappointed.

After the weekend of hard work, my muscles ache. I can't wait until we get the hot tub checked out and useable. I could use a good long soak right now.

We have one more big moving day ahead of us...Friday. Fortunately, we've hired a couple of movers to help load and unload the U-Haul. I know the next weekend is going to be as busy as the last, but at least we'll be in our new home, then.

It's a lot of work, this moving business, but it's also worthwhile. Both JP and I are exhausted, but we're both looking forward to really creating a home together, a place truly our own. It's not that we don't like the place we live in; it's just that, well, it's not ours. There's a difference between a place you rent and one you (and the bank) own.

Besides the hot tub, there are a couple of features of our new home that I really love. It has an office space that JP can use as a place to write and it also has a family room large enough for my bookshelves, books, computers, and video game system. It'll take some time, but I really think our new place will be a terrific nest for us.

Now, if you'll excuse me...I have an appointment with 600 mg of Ibuprofen. Perhaps even 1200 mg.

Photo credit: Russ Kwan, c/o The Vancouver Gallery of Photography

An Observation on Life

As you may have heard, DD recently turned eleven. I periodically write about my experiences as a parent and about the pride I have in my children. DD and I have an interesting relationship in that we have honest and connected conversations about many things.

As she's gotten older, she asks me about things and I try to explain them to her, or at least I try to explain my perspective on them to her. For example, we've had several conversations about B's drug use and how the choices he's made have lead to various outcomes. We've spoken about the importance of self-image and how a poor sense of self can lead to choices and actions that are less than ideal.

We've talked about divorce (and separation) and why it's important to focus on what's possible, rather than what wasn't. We've talked about Kara's unique situation and how her experiences as a child of divorce is different than DD's...and how those differences complicates Kara's experiences, actions, and choices. We've even spoken about how Kara's sense of identity is more complicated because of the roadblocks my ex raises.

DD and I have talked about responsibility, both personal and financial. (She's really wants a cell phone and is desperately trying to convince us to get her one.) We've talked about cause and effect...and why it's important to plan a few things out before you jump into them.

DD surprises me with how much she understands, especially for someone of her age. She's aware of other people's feelings and tries hard to take them into account when she makes her own choices. She understands that things don't always work out the way one would like. She understands that frustration is a part of life.

Yet, through it all, she is cheerful, bubbly, goofy, loving, generous in spirit, and...well, happy. She's a very happy, giving spirit.

I mention this because I wanted to share a poem she wrote yesterday. She calls it Life.

Past is our Present
We can’t leave it behind
It maybe the hope we carry
Or the guilt we hold
We can’t let it go

The Present is our Future
We worry what will happen next
We won’t know what to do
Or how it will happen
So we pray

Future holds the pain
We struggle through the years
Sometimes we’ll lose our dignity
But never faith
We hold faith in others
But hardly our selves

We may cry
We may laugh
We may lose hope
But don’t give up

Our lives are difficult
We’ll lose the things that mean the most
Our friends, our family
We are here for a reason
To live, to be imperfect, to be different
But not suffer so let us remember
In our times of need to stick together

Messages from the Heart

Allow me to present Mr. Austin Fluffer the Third, Esq.

JP has been sending (and receiving) care packages from some of her "bloggy" friends and DD has gotten into the spirit of sharing and giving. She used her allowance to buy small presents for us and Mr. Fluffers was her present to me.

I have a small amount of puppetry experience (thanks, in part, to the original Muppet Show) and was animating this Valentine Tiger with little moves and pounces. When I made him shake his hips like the kittens do just before they pounce, DD was all giggles. JP wanted me to do a voice for him and, well, the only inspiration that came in that moment was Mike Meyers. So, out came an overly broad British accent and the growls you might remember from the first Austin Powers movie. ("Oh, Beeehave! Mrwrowr")

A couple of weeks before Christmas, Kara spotted Beary here in a local Starbucks and decided she wanted to give him to me for Christmas.

Now, JP has been refining the look of our bedroom. She's replaced the mishmash of picture frames with ones that more closely match the furniture and she's added curtains that accent the same colors. It looks really nice...except there's not much room for stuffed animals. So she's asked that I take Mr. Fluffers to work (since no one minds if my workspace looks a little, well, geeky). She tried to get me to take Beary, too, but I keep him on my side table next to the reading lamp.

I think it's kind of interesting that the girls have gotten to the age where they're buying stuffed animals for me. They leave me other presents, too. For example, Kara did some artwork on a small whiteboard attached to my computer armoire. When I spoke to her on the phone a couple of nights ago, she told me I was the best daddy in the world. Of course, it made my heart melt.

DD also leaves messages for me on the same whiteboard. This one is from November. (You may need to click on the image to actually read it.) I confess there is a small amount of photoshopping involved, but only to fuzz her RL name. The "Pinky" reference refers, of course, to Pinky and The Brain (which I introduced to her when they released the DVD last summer).

I love the fact that my girls do these things for me. I'm very happy they feel this way about me and are comfortable expressing those feelings. Truly, I feel very blessed to be a part of their lives.

It's a nice validation, really. I've tried really hard to give them the kind of home and love that I wanted when I was their age. No, I'm not trying to live through them; I'm simply trying to help them find their own lives, to become the people they wish to become, the people I see in them. True, I play with them and I listen to them. I talk to them and share the things that are age appropriate for them. I show them that being a grown-up isn't as easy as it seems and I let them remind me that it's just as hard to become a grown-up. I hope it's the beginning of a life-long friendship with both of them.

In closing, I'd like to share a very special plaque that DD gave me for my last birthday. I think it says it all.