Dark Clouds Rising

Today's Sunday Scribblings prompt is rooted and allows one to explore two different aspects: the feelings of being rooted or the confusion of rootlessness. The latter describes how I've felt about my blog recently.

A couple of months ago, I inadvertently caused a bit of a stir by expressing a good idea poorly. Feelings got hurt and people rose to defend those who were hurt. And, as commonly happens on the Internet, many commented wildly about what I'd said, my fitness for life, and how I should be burned in effigy. (I might possibly be exaggerating a teeny bit.)

As the situation escalated, I became more embarrassed and shamed. I apologized repeatedly, but some chose to continue to pile on.

Generally, I have a pretty thick skin...but some of the comments lobbed in my general direction cut very deeply. They opened old wounds and raised old doubts. Old embarrassments were resurrected. Did you know that sense memory can burn as deeply as the original moment of shame?

So I withdrew. I reduced my comments and withheld my ideas. I posted about safe things, thing few would criticize. Yet, when it came time to write about risky things, things that might offend...I found myself blocked. I could start the post, but when it came time to weave my personal ideas into it, my confidence faltered and I was unable to finish the post.

So I find myself rootless at the moment, at least with respect to this blog. I started blogging to speak my truth to power and to bring my light to darkness. I believe I have good ideas and that my thoughts are worth considering. And yet, when storm clouds rise, my light remains dark and my ideas stay unexpressed.

I know I need to work my way through this and to find my own way back to self confidence. And perhaps this particular post is my attempt to do just that.

Photo credit: Jason Antony