A Break in the Clouds

The future is called "perhaps," which is the only possible thing to call the future.

And the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you.
-- Tennessee Williams

As I mentioned in my previous post, things are starting to shift for me emotionally.

That said, there are still some logistical challenges. Finances are a major concern; wedging the two paycheck mortgage into a single income has been difficult and still presents some major challenges. As a result, my discretionary budget is, well, nil.

I don't think this is a permanent thing; I think things will get easier. I just don't know how long that will take. Weeks, perhaps. Months? (I hope not!!) However long it takes, I need to hang on, tough it out, and watch my spending carefully.

You know how window shopping can sometimes substitute for the real thing? I've started trying to apply the same principle to other areas of my life. I've started making lists of things to do when things aren't as tight.

Yeah...lists. Such as:

• Things that we can't afford at the moment.
• Things that need to be taken care of in the future.
• CD's I want to buy when I feel comfortable splurging on myself.
• Projects that need to be taken care of around the house.
• Decorating ideas to try out and/or experiment with.
• Kitchen utensils and small appliances that I need to replace.
• Skills I've decided I want to explore or learn more about .
• Things to do when there's more cash for travel and tickets.
• Things I want to do when I have someone to hang out with again.

And, of course, there's a list of things I want to be different in my next relationship, one with qualities I want to see in that person. According to my list, she'll:

• Be smart and thoughtful.
• Communicate and listen.
• Not hide things or keep secrets (except perhaps presents or surprise parties).
• Have her own ideas and allow me have my own ideas; she'll enjoy discovering how those ideas mesh and what they create.
• Want to make a difference, maybe by changing the world or perhaps just improving a small corner of it.
• Appreciate and value little things, like a loving touch, flowers given randomly, or even a door opened for her.
• Be emotionally mature and willing to take responsibility for her actions. And she'll expect the same from me.
• Respect other people's ideas and act with integrity.
• Understand the complicated relationships I have with my children and encourage me to maintain the strongest connection possible with them.
• Be strong enough to be her own person while working to create a relationship that suits both of us.
• Have a bit of a mischievous sense of humor (or at least tolerate the one I have...and the puns that come with it.).
• Understand that words like "fidelity" and "commitment" aren't abstract concepts.
• Won't be allergic to cats (or at least be willing to work it).

You may notice that I've focused on qualities, rather than specifics (except, perhaps for the allergy). I don't know who she is, where she is, what she does for a living, or what she's into. I do know the type of person that she is and the type of relationship that she wants.

Maybe she has or wants children. Maybe she wants to travel, learn to scuba, or wear silly hats. These are things I do not know...and look forward to discovering.

I do know that she's someone I can depend on without being dependent on. I know that when the zombies attack, we're standing back to back and fending them off. I know she wants to collaborate, not control. I know that she values spontaneity and is willing to work at making that kind of freedom possible.

And do you know what I realized that these lists have gotten me to start doing? Dream. Think about the future. These lists are getting me to start making plans to begin making them come to pass. I've started to create new dreams, dreams to take my life forward into a happier, better future.

It's still early in the process and there's a lot of hard work ahead, but I think these ideas are a good sign, a sign of good things to come.

--f

Photo credit: me

On Gaining a Foothold

Sometimes, lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.
-- Slick, "Someone to Watch Over Me" (Battlestar Galactica, Season 4.5)

When I first found this picture, I thought I'd use it for one of my solstice posts, but it didn't seem to fit with the words that came out, so I held it back until I found the right words to pair it with.

Sunrise always seems like a new beginning, a look forward. The solstice marks a transition from one season to another. And, as a friend reminded me some weeks ago, there are seasons to our lives...and the season I've been living through has been one of loss and recovery.

The image reminds me that while it's important to mourn loss and to allow the grieving process, it's also important to recover, to figure out where life goes from here.

I am still in the process of recovery; I'm still trying to work out some of the practical details, but the important thing is that I've noticed the sun still rises and that there's still a life I need to live.

It's a process and I'm sure there are still dark moments ahead; however, it seems like the vector has changed and momentum is starting to build.

I am beginning to figure the direction I want to move in. I'm still wandering, but maybe I'm starting to find my footing. Maybe I'm starting to get my bearings. More on that later.

For now, it's enough to mark...and appreciate...the beginning of a new season.

--f

Photo credit: Grufnik