Saturday, March 14, 2009

Change Happens


And it came to pass that change became necessary.

There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to blurt it out and go from there.

JP and I have decided to part ways; we're going to divorce.

There's no blame here. She's a good person, a terrific mother, and a truly giving friend. I'm a good man, a responsible husband, a loving father, and a devoted partner. We each deserve happiness, we each deserve genuine intimacy, and we each deserve partners who are also our devoted friends, confidantes, partners-in-crime, and lovers.

She's at a place in her life where she can no longer commit to trying to make that happen with me. If you've followed her blog, you know that she's been struggling to find her voice, trying to become that fulfilled person that we all long to be. She's been trying to find the path that leads her to self realization and self actualization.

And her path is taking her in a direction that doesn't include me. My path now lies in a different direction from hers.

This is the beginning of a long process, one that will be filled with many tears and much anguish. I expect to go through a lot of anxiety, fear, and soul-searching before it's over. For the moment, there is a small part of me that feels relief. I know what's going to happen. "What if?" has turned into "What is."

The next stage of my journey has begun. I wonder where it will lead. Hopefully...eventually...to my happiness. And if that's true (and I desperately hope it is), then I take my first steps with purpose.

It's true that my dreams are splintered and that my heart is broken. Much of my personal identity is wrapped up in the roles of father, husband, and lover. Not all, but much. There is great comfort in having someone to come home to, no matter how hectic...or complicated...things get.

This will be painful for our children, of course, though I'm quite certain we will work to comfort and support them through this. JP's older children live outside the house, so they're impacted less. DD will not be happy about this at all, but I also know she'll be able to come and go as she wishes and I'm sure there will be great comfort in that. I've already spoken to her other family and they support my desire to continue to be her step-father in spirit, if not in actual fact.

Kara will want to know how this affects her relationship with her "seester." They've really bonded. I know it's been hard for her to bond with JP without feeling like she's betraying her other mother. But, I'll help her through it. Truth be told, she'll probably want to try to help me through this. Ah, to be ten years old again.

I've been through this before, though. I survived. I'll survive this, too.

To our online (and RL) friends, I don't believe either one of us is going to ask you to take sides or to choose between us. I'm sure some of you will naturally gravitate to one or the other, but I also hope that some of you will choose to develop and maintain separate friendships with each of us. For those who'll lean toward her, thank you for allowing me to share, if only for a short time, your journey. I'll miss you.

For those who decide to stick around, thank you. I may not be much fun at cocktail parties for a little while, but I am looking forward to finding my balance and my future. Your help and support will be invaluable.

And, to JP, who I know will read this at some point, I'm sorry we couldn't find that place where we were both commited to the same thing. You know I love you with all my heart. You know how important our family is to me. You know how much I miss our time together. You've taught me much and I truly hope you find what you seek. Adieu, cherie. Adieu.

--f

Photo credit: Sea Turtle

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6 Comments:

Blogger paris parfait said...

Lance, I'm so sorry. I hope you both find the happiness you deserve and that the transition period is less difficult than you might imagine. Love to you both and wishes for brighter days ahead. Tara xo

1:04 PM  
Blogger Giggles said...

There are no words. This is so sad for your family. Especially for any bonded children. Seemed like things were on track with the new home. You've fallen in the cracks of statistics. Seventy percent divorce rate in second marriages is not very encouraging.These are difficult times, sadly great people often just aren't meant to be paired up. I hope you both find some inner peace, a personal bliss, and true joy that comes with self discovery! I wish you both all the best in any new endeavours.

Bless you both....again I am so sorry... I wish it wasn't so.

Sincerely Sherrie

1:16 PM  
Anonymous perpstu said...

I'm so sorry. I have been following your plurks and had a feeling this was going on, but reading it now....I'm just sorry. I wish you the best. (((HUGS)))

8:51 PM  
Anonymous On a limb with Claudia said...

I admire your honesty and courage. You know that I believe in you. You will find your way through this dark valley. Some times, the best we can do is say a decent, loving Goodbye.

((hug))

I am deeply saddened and sorry this has to happen for you.

8:29 AM  
Blogger Whitesnake said...

they say parting is such sweet sorrow.

Your words here are touching.

If you need a shoulder mate, mine is yours.

I don't take sides I take each as they come and each as they go.
Stay close my friend.
I am not that far away.

11:47 PM  
Blogger chulita4 said...

Oh, Lance, I don't know you well, but my heart goes out to you.....and to Deb, of course. I am so sad to hear that you are not together anymore, but I feel so strongly that the love you have for each other--although it is not the kind needed to keep a relationship going--is still strong and is and always will be there. My prayers to you for the strength and courage to forge ahead despite the pain. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your life with all of us. Take good care of yourself and please, keep writing--for yourself, but also for us. God Bless you.

10:57 AM  

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